Wow that's just straight up savage!

"KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time" (kngt) 01/20/2019 at 13:48 • Filed to: Burn, Jalopnik, satire, parody, Front Page, FP, shitpost, shitposting, Sunday Shitpost

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Jalopnik Is Hiring! Just Bring A Fucking Pen And Make Sure You Can Only Breath Out Of Your Mouth

Full text from Bald Tires:

NEW YORK CITY—Recently the team at B/T got invited to a meeting of the staff writers and editorial board of Jalopnik. We weren’t sure about going, and then when we got there things got worse.

Their chief editor asked, “Okay guys, so we’re looking for new stuff to put up this week. What do you guys have?”

One of the writers raised her hand.

“Okay, can you read me the headline and a quote?”

“Yeah. Sure!” The woman responded.

“The title is, ‘I Am Unduly Excited For The Cadillac CT6 V-Sport’”

“Okay nice.” He responded.

“I mean that says nothing about the content of the article at all, and also fucking sucks frankly, but continue.”

“Okay, sure!” She responded.

“I haven’t seen a name for this engine yet other than “hot V,” which is already a pretty badass name for an engine. Hot V. Like the name of the bartender at that biker bar with a heart of gold but also wouldn’t hesitate to beat the shit out of you if you misbehaved in her bar.”

“Wow, okay.” The editor said.

“I mean I cringed so hard when I read that I swear to god I wish I could’ve gotten folded up into a carry-on and tossed out of a fucking jet.”

“Even though you just wrote the journalistic equivalent to somebody sweating on the toilet, lets post that. Green light! Actually, you’re gonna go to Spain to drive the new 911!”

“Anybody else?”

Another journalist raised his hand.

“Yeah you in the back! Go ahead!”

“Okay, uhh..”

The man was breathing heavily out of his mouth only.

“The headline is: What We Found When We Crawled Under The 2020 Supra”

“Okay, and whats it about?”

“Its about how the uhhh… The Supra and the Z4 their engine bays look similar.”

“That’s it?”

The journalist inhaled deeply through his mouth.

“Uhhhhhh, yup”

“Wow. Good stuff. Even though the cars are on the same platform and literally do have the same engine. Nice Clickbait headline! At the same time pandering to all of the 2009 Youtube comment tier discourse around the new Supra being co-developed with BMW.”

“You’re promoted.”

“Anybody else?”

A man spoke up, “Yeah we have this new article where we count how many fake vents the new Supra has, and then in the featured image in the article we write, ‘fakey fake fake’ in the background.”

“Wow really?” the editor asked.

“Yeah.” the man responded.

“That is some good shit. I mean, even Road & Track bothered to get a quote from the car’s chief engineer that said all of those vents are literally just snap in plastic and can be removed, which makes them functional. Really incredible you wrote that without ever even looking into it at all.”

“Can you read or write?” the editor asked.

“I dictate to my intern.”

“Wow. First of all, promoted. Second of all, get this guy another intern so they can carry him around our office on a litter; like a Roman triumph!”

The editor then changed the tone of the meeting.

“Wow guys, you almost can’t blame people for reading our website, right? All of Car and Driver’s content seems like its written for some ‘sort of car guy’ middle aged man, grown in a petri dish at Consumer Reports. MotorTrend apparently can’t decide if they’re a TV network or a magazine, and almost everything else is just shit!”

“I’m glad we can put out some real hard hitting journalism about cars that actually means something.”

He paused and looked around.

“Has anyone else’s nose been congested like, forever?”

Everybody in the room nodded.

“Does anyone wanna go out on 5th avenue and throw rocks at cars?”

His Stigness > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 13:50

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That was fucking awesome. 

WilliamsSW > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 13:53

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Sounds like someone is a bit salty that they couldn’t get a job at Jelopnic.

AestheticsInMotion > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 13:53

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And the best part

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:00

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Oh look a poorly written Autoblopnik rip-off.

Spanfeller is a twat > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:03

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A shit-stirrer on a wordpress blog?

I am not surprised 

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 01/20/2019 at 14:04

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Huh, just found out about this . Down the rabbit hole we go...

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:06

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My biggest criticism is already the deadly beating of the deadly deadly dead horses.

Last year with the 20-something F&F nostalgia posts. Any Tesla story, which they bleed for  five articles: the rumor, the report, the report on the reaction, the hot take, and then the contrarian take. Now a $70,000 badge-engineered Bimmer coupe, over and over... And over. And over.

HammerheadFistpunch > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:10

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vondon302 > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:13

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https://bald.tires/2018/08/02/dodge-unveils-new-1000-horsepower-challenger-by-having-vin-diesel-push-a-horse-into-a-jet-engine/

You got that right. Good find!

My bird IS the word > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:13

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Tbh having to write for jalopnik does sound like a sucky job. I blame the format though.

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > vondon302 01/20/2019 at 14:16

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Literally ROFL

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > My bird IS the word 01/20/2019 at 14:17

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“10 things that you learn writing about the new Supra for Jellopicni k , Number 2 will shock you!”

VajazzleMcDildertits - read carefully, respond politely > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:25

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The comments in that post are also pretty savage.

literally read half those articles earlier today. if i see another supra article i’m going to take a toaster bath.

apart from patrick george the entire jalopnik editorial staff can die in a fire.

I mean, seriously, I think Torch is ok, even if he writes nonsensical ramblings. That just means he’s a future Editor-at-large. 

The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock > WilliamsSW 01/20/2019 at 14:31

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That’s due to their Jalopnik Gold credentials, if you don’t have it you can’t apply.

Stef Schrader > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:38

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Man, I’ve seen many bitter fanboiz in my time, but this Cadillac überfan managed to be even more insufferable than all of the “Elon Musk is a saint, how DARE you” dudes combined: https://www.patreon.com/posts/anti-jalopnik-24077634

(Also, while I think he’s got issues beyond a beef with Kristen that he should work through off the internet, it’s still bad form to rip the guy’s whole post and put it over here. I know it’s pretty clear that it’s all his work, but still: p lease q uote and link, if you must.)

WilliamsSW > The Crazy Kanuck; RIP Oppositelock 01/20/2019 at 14:40

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Yet another one of the incredible benefits of Jellopicnic Gold Membership!

Stef Schrader > AestheticsInMotion 01/20/2019 at 14:40

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> guy cites examples of Jalopnik doing the actual legwork to check the various claims made by Toyota and other companies

> guy says “it’s not journalism!!!1!”

I ain’t on Tips anymore, but I got popcorn.

aquila121 > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 14:45

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It’s *breathe, to the uneducated  fuckweasel on Bald Tires.

Spanfeller is a twat > Stef Schrader 01/20/2019 at 14:48

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One patreon lol

Him himself and he

WilliamsSW > Stef Schrader 01/20/2019 at 14:51

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That dude really needs some hardcore therapy. Preferably inpatient.  

AestheticsInMotion > Stef Schrader 01/20/2019 at 15:12

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I’m not spending much time on Jalopnik anymore, are you still writing there in any capacity? Race coverage was never really my interest, but I miss your (infrequent) vehicle updates. Also... How’s Andrew doing?

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > Stef Schrader 01/20/2019 at 15:16

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Wow that Patreon guy. Just wow.

By the way, the title is the link itself and I differentiated the Bald Tire text in italics prefacing the source before that. Should I still paste the link separately? I generally link the title because I have noticed Kinja has a b ad habit  of eating link previews and it will look even worse then.

nermal > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 15:17

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This list of requirements is incomplete. You also need a VWVortex account so that you have a reliable source of driving clicks to your article.

KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time > WilliamsSW 01/20/2019 at 15:18

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Gold Membership: If you have to ask w hat it is you are not worthy of our club.

fintail > WilliamsSW 01/20/2019 at 15:31

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I mean, it’s not like it takes much either.

Stef Schrader > AestheticsInMotion 01/20/2019 at 16:06

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Yep, I’m still freelancing there—Build of the Week is back and I’ll occasionally send them another pitch or two. Still can’t find another full-time job, though, which sucks.

Andrew’s back posting as well, but I’m not the most up-to-date on how he’s doing. Still recovering but doing better , last I heard. He’s been pretty active on Instagram, at least, which is a good sign.

Stef Schrader > AestheticsInMotion 01/20/2019 at 16:06

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Yep, I’m still freelancing there—Build of the Week is back and I’ll occasionally send them another pitch or two. Still can’t find another full-time job, though, which sucks.

Andrew’s back posting as well, but I’m not the most up-to-date on how he’s doing. Still recovering but doing better , last I heard. He’s been pretty active on Instagram, at least, which is a good sign.

Stef Schrader > KingT- 60% of the time, it works every time 01/20/2019 at 16:09

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Eh, it’s pretty obvious and well linked to the source material , but IIRC, quoting whole pieces has gotten Oppo in weird situations in the past. (Hence my recommendation to pick a few key bits instead of the whole.)

Peter H > aquila121 01/20/2019 at 16:10

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u right lol

Peter H > Stef Schrader 01/20/2019 at 16:17

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its fine by me if the whole thing gets repost ed like this. not gonna hunt anybody down for sharing my stuff.

Stef Schrader > Peter H 01/20/2019 at 18:20

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Oh, hey! Good to know.